Time to let it GO.

 I've always been a fighter. I've always been scrappy, tenacious, industrious, a hard worker. But here lately, I don't have much fight left in me. It's time to let it go. 

So many things in my life here at 40 no longer fulfil me, and to continue to pretend that they do only adds to the pain and disappointment I feel inside. Things I thought I wanted are just things, I have very little desire to even continue to pursue once important career goals I had in my 20s, and even 30s. I simply want freedom. 

It's time to let it go. 

What is it time to let go of? This house. When I was 34, buying a house and being a homeowner were important goals to me. Everyone else, had a house so I needed one too, right? Or so I believed. Since living here I've lost my mind, my money, and my hair. As much as I love this place, I know it's not serving me, but only draining me mentally, financially and emotionally. What I thought was going to be my forever home has turned as temporary as an apartment. I no longer have the desire to be a homeowner. All the financial benefits that I was promised were lies, and living here has become a money pit. Time to let it go. 

Music isn't fun anymore. It's a chore. I don't want to play trumpet any more because I can't devote any real time to it. It's not making me any money like it used to. I don't enjoy it. I'm not good enough to play gigs with the big dogs. I don't even own a functioning trumpet. Some days I want to go into that closet and throw the thing in the trash. I just don't have what it takes to do it anymore. 

Time to let it go. 

Teaching FUCKING SUCKS. I absolutely hate it. I Never get a break in summer like most teachers, I'm always fucking working. I'm burned out, sad, depressed, anxious.. It's time to let that shit go. 

I love my family but I need for them to figure out what they are going to do because I need freedom. I simply want to pack my vehicle, and go. Destination unknown. I love my mom but looking at her in the condition she's in is heartbreak. I will never have the mother daughter relationship with her that I've craved my whole life. It is a great source of my sadness and pain. My poor brother. I have no other words. 

Social Media is a constant reminder of all the things I don't have. I don't have a husband. I don't have children of my own. I don't have a loving core family dynamic. I don't get to happily celebrate holidays.I constantly feel nothing but sadness and gloom. God, I try every day to put on a happy face but it's a lie. I'm not happy. I don't feel joy. I am always overwhelmed with an all consuming sadness that just won't go away, not matter what I do. Depression has had a death grip on me almost 30 years. How much longer can I suffer?

Time to let it go. 

The only thing I want is me and my dog. Sometimes I want to walk away from Chris too. He's never fucking here. So I may as well be alone. 

I never imagined at 40 I'd still be alone but here I am. Maybe it's time to let go of the dream that I too, will have a husband one day. Maybe it was all wishful thinking. Maybe God didn't put me here to be someone's companion. Maybe I'm just an example to others of what not to do. I truly, honestly don't know my purpose. I need some help. I'm not even sure I want help. I don't know what I want. Every piece of my life thus far has been contingent on someone else. I couldn't stay in Nashville because I had to come home and help my mom. I had to make sure my brother had a place to live. I had to make sure my mom had a place to live. I"ve always had to look out for them. I know they are my family but I have reached a point where I just want freedom. Maybe I want to get in my car and wake up in Utah. Maybe I want to catch a one way flight to Paris. Who knows? But right now I do know I can't do any of those things because I have to fucking work and fucking make sure I go help my mom and brother. I'm so exhausted all the time. 

AND THEN TODAY WAS A FUCKING HOLIDAY. I HATE HOLIDAYS!!!!! I avoided phone calls and texts. Holidays aren't happy times for everyone. Some of us just want to sleep the day away and wake up on the other side unscathed. 

 have one single happy holiday memory. So why fucking celebrate a day that makes me feel even worse than any other day? It's all bullshit. Fuck holidays. 

Time to let it go. 

Right now i'm in an unhappy place. and staying to myself is best. Maybe i'll come out of this. Maybe I won't. But what i know for sure if no one will even care.